update on the update

[chanter1944]

Back in Madison. A decision has been made, and I will not elaborate outside a cut because trigger city, and not just for other people. I'm going home this weekend, though, after Mom and I (and potentially Anne) hit the square, and I'll be taking next Monday off. Supervisor already knows, but does not know why. She will.

Spent the weekend cuddling with Bosco, playing with Laura - quoth the Chanter: "Oooooh no. If you try to nurse on me, it isn't going to work very well." and spending time with sisters and parents. It wasn't all happy, but it was good.


I need this week to get my head around things fully. He's... as stable as he can be, for now. He's severely limping on one leg, he has a hard time walking more than a short distance, and the effort it takes him is obvious. He can't go up and down even a short set of steps without help, usually from more than one person. The vet told me candidly that his hips, his back and definitely both his back legs are not good. It's the merciful thing and the humane thing to do... but goddamn.

It's time. Goddamn but this is still shatteringly hard, intellectual knowledge, what the vet told me, wish to be the absolute best I can be to him or no. This is just ridiculously hard. Fuck you, entropy. Fuck you. And no reproducing once fucked; one entropy is bad enough.

If I don't get special dispensation out of hell so he doesn't wonder where I am, or if God's of a mind to send animals in that direction whether on their own or because of their humans' faults, then fuck organized religious conventions. I'll take my dog and my family and go somewhere else.

Part of me wants to do the sort of things that are usually comforting, enjoyable or both to me this week. Part of me feels like an asshole for even thinking about that. I know I need to take care of myself, but I keep thinking I shouldn't, that it's not deserved or just plain wrong in context. Ridiculous, huh?


Sorry folken. Just had to get that out there. I promise not to be so openly raw in entries for the next few days. I know I'm walking through trigger city here, and not just for me.

I am going the frak to bed, and listening to the rainstorm.

Comments

[ceitfianna]

*hugs you* I'm sorry.

[synchronicity2]

It is a tough thing to do for a friend, but you will know when to make that call. Quality of life is the best we can do for our four leggers, and that extends from puppyhood to old grey faced age. I am thinking of you, and Bosco.

I saw a picture frame in a catalog I get that is a memorial frame of sorts. It says: "Thanks for everything! I had a great time!"

I really look at life with pets in that manner. I want to be sure my dog has the best time he can. I know you feel the same way.

Again, thinking about you. I'm going to go give Apollo extra hugs tonight. Sending love your way, and Bosco's.

[jewelledfairy.livejournal.com]

Big hugs from my and the rest of the old team.