where I've been lately

[chanter1944]

First world whining under the cut. Skip this one if so inclined.


I've been told that you should use work to fund the things you like to do on nights and weekends. The trouble is, what I like to do doesn't take money. It takes a) brains and b) time. I can't just tell my creativity 'hey, work now, turn on' and have it start up again. I keep hearing from family that yes, work is always like that. It's always tiring, it's always a drag, it always sucks to go back. Drag drag drag. Even friends tweeting at me about it being about how much shit you can take from the boss, and then taking a little more... is it always like this, or isn't it? I've had other people tell me it isn't. I just want an answer, not a bunch of mixed messages. I know no job is going to be all wonderful all the time, but there's realism and then there's... it's not boredom. I have plenty to do. But every day seems to take forever, and when I come home, I just have no vitality left. I'm working to maintain a life in a city I love, but there's less and less of *me* living it. I'm living for the weekends off, but once I reach one, I have no energy for anything, and then it's over and I'm back to the grind again. Is this how it always is? Money can't be *that* important if so. Really, it can't. I know, it's what we're all slaves too, but good *God*. Whine whine whiiiiine. I should be, and am grateful, that I have a job. But is it too much to ask to be genuinely happy with the majority of my job? I do enjoy working with customers, being productive, not screwing up. But... I'm sitting on my ass selling T-shirts. I'm getting fatter and fatter, being a capitalist, and I really don't feel like I'm having a positive impact beyond 'I get my shirts, yay.' That's necessary, don't get me wrong, and that's an enjoyable part of things. But it isn't what I want to do long-term. Of course, there's no money in what I actually do want to do, because who wants to fund a nonprofit when you can get a bunch of volunteers?

*Sigh.* I'm sounding like a first world whiner, and I know it. Is it too much to ask to have a job and want to go there if not every day, then most days? Is it too much to want to have a job and be happy at it too? I'm beginning to wonder if the answer isn't yes.

I know. Keep looking. I've covered that; no market=no jobs=no out. I could punch the precious market in the mouth, seriously. How can I be burned out at a job after six months? That's ridiculous. But I just... haven't got much left, mentally. My creativity is just about gone, as is quite a lot of my energy. I can't be *me*, anymore. Is this a fate I should have excepted years ago? If so, somebody should have told me years ago. Why don't they tell you that work's going to sap you of the time and the spoons you need to enjoy yourself, so get it all in while you're still an undergrad? Or am I an outlier? I should not be this drained. But I am, and I'm wondering if it's normal. The thing is, I'm beginning to expect so. And if it is, what do I do besides keep looking, keep earning, keep dragging, keep looking?

I'm not *miserable* at the actual job. But it isn't what I want to be doing for thirty years, and I know it. I just want the brains and the time to be me again, and that's never going to happen with things the way they are now. Is doing something you enjoy, when you're a liberal idealist humanitarian weirdo, mutually exclusive with paying rent somewhere that isn't a crummy studio? Is doing something you enjoy when you've got a liberal arts degree and a need to scribble mutually exclusive with having a fulfilling job that actually pays you reasonably well? Does work have to sap your creativity and your vitality? Don't even get me started on America's love/hate affair with living to work to live.

What the hell do I do besides keep looking or accept that I'm an American worker bee just like everybody else, going through what everybody else does?

Interacting with people, writing, telling community stories for an actual purpose rather than to raise somebody else's profit margins or store credibility, actually making a positive difference... that's what I want to do. No market in it. So what the hell do I do?

Comments

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>I can't just tell my creativity 'hey, work now, turn on' and have it start up again.<<

It takes practice to do that. I can do it with nonfiction and poetry, not so well with fiction yet.

>> I keep hearing from family that yes, work is always like that. It's always tiring, it's always a drag, it always sucks to go back. <<

Not always, but often. Many people work jobs they don't enjoy. Some are lucky enough to have jobs they love. Ideally, you should at least have a job that doesn't hurt you. If it drains all your energy so that you can't enjoy life even outside of work, then your job is hurting you and that's not good. That's how people get stress-related illnesses.

>> is it always like this, or isn't it? I've had other people tell me it isn't. I just want an answer, not a bunch of mixed messages. <<

The messages are mixed because people have different experiences; that's life. Few things are absolute. Work is not always life-draining, nor should it be.

>> What the hell do I do besides keep looking or accept that I'm an American worker bee just like everybody else, going through what everybody else does? <<

Well, outside that the options get pretty radical. You could take yourself off the job market or look for seriously alternative work. For example, seek to form a family where your contribution could be other than financial, or join an income-sharing intentional community with its own businesses.

Don't wait until the job kills you. A lot of people do that.

Re: Thoughts

[chanter1944]

*hugs* Thanks for answering. Don't I just wish life came with concrete answers. Yes, I sound like a toddler. I do intend to keep looking; the radical options aren't for me. I could definitely still freelance, given my journalism degree, and there's always getting stories/poetry published.

Re: Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>Yes, I sound like a toddler.<<

I don't think you sound like a toddler. I think you're starting to sound like some of my friends who are depressed -- although it's closer to "I'm not depressed, I'm depleted" territory.

>> I do intend to keep looking; the radical options aren't for me. <<

That's good.

>> I could definitely still freelance, given my journalism degree, and there's always getting stories/poetry published. <<

You could put a donate button on the Schrodinger's Heroes stuff.

Oh, and there's a newish crowdfunding hub called Patreon that caters to ongoing projects. Your donors set an amount to pay you every time you upload something.

Re: Thoughts

[chanter1944]

I'd never even thought of a donate button. It just plain hadn't occurred to me. What a brilliant idea! Talk about writing for a living... :) The more I think about this, the more it appeals to me. It wouldn't pay my rent on its own, but it wouldn't hurt, and it would keep my muse going. Thank you for having common sense where I do not.

One thing's going to bother me, though. It doesn't quite seem fair to put a donate button up for the orange!stuff. Schrodinger's Heroes is still your world, even if it's collaborative in both writing and prompting. The core world and at least half the characters are your brainchild(ren), and even though Kendra's world and the eventual team are a length of nasty andervector away from your universe, I'd still feel like I were stealing from you by taking payment for writing about it.

I'm open to having my mind changed, because I do love the idea of getting paid to write by people interested in reading my work. I just don't want to take credit where it isn't due.

As for the depressive issues... I actually have a dysthymia diagnosis, and some distinct but undiagnosed anxiety on top of it. I don't like to imagine how much worse I'd be feeling if I weren't on meds for said depression.

Re: Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> I'd never even thought of a donate button. It just plain hadn't occurred to me. What a brilliant idea! <<

I'm glad I could help.

>> Talk about writing for a living... :) The more I think about this, the more it appeals to me. <<

Yay!

>>It wouldn't pay my rent on its own, but it wouldn't hurt, and it would keep my muse going.<<

You never know. It depends on your talent, content, and audience but I've seen some crowdfunding projects do quite well. My wordsmithing is almost all the earned income coming into our household. It's not really enough to live on but it's a far cry better than nothing.

>> Thank you for having common sense where I do not. <<

Mostly what I'm applying here is experience. You can get that.

>> One thing's going to bother me, though. It doesn't quite seem fair to put a donate button up for the orange!stuff. Schrodinger's Heroes is still your world, even if it's collaborative in both writing and prompting. <<

The original character thumbnails came from melannen, which is why I didn't treat Schrodinger's Heroes as a proprietary project. It was crowdsourced from the beginning. I just came up with the show concept and fleshed out the characters. It's meant to be an open-source project, as mentioned in the new series page.

How does this benefit me? It encourages more people to play in this setting. If they can make money on SH material, that encourages participation even further.

>> The core world and at least half the characters are your brainchild(ren), and even though Kendra's world and the eventual team are a length of nasty andervector away from your universe, I'd still feel like I were stealing from you by taking payment for writing about it. <<

I don't see it that way. However, you've got a right to your own opinion, especially about your creative output. If you really feel strongly about this, put up the donation button and give me a cut of whatever you make. There are some shared worlds that do that as a standard practice. I'd suggest 10% and I won't take more than half.

>> I'm open to having my mind changed, because I do love the idea of getting paid to write by people interested in reading my work. I just don't want to take credit where it isn't due. <<

There's credit, and then there's money, which are not the same.

You've already established the Orange!verse stories as part of Schrodinger's Heroes, linking back to my project, so people know that you wrote the O!V stuff and I wrote a majority of the setting background. That's giving credit where credit is due. I'm happy with that.

On the money side of things, I've described the setting and fleshed out the characters. You have primarily used those as a springboard, only touching on them lightly; most of what you're writing is your own work and your own characters. So you deserve a majority of whatever profit may come from that. If you were aiming to write about the characters I've developed for the dimension where I usually write, I'd consider your argument stronger. But I still want this to be an open-source project.

>>As for the depressive issues... I actually have a dysthymia diagnosis, and some distinct but undiagnosed anxiety on top of it. I don't like to imagine how much worse I'd be feeling if I weren't on meds for said depression.<<

Alas! That makes sense, though. I hope that you can find a better job that won't make those problems worse.

Re: Thoughts

[chanter1944]

You know, I'd actually thought of sharing potential donations made toward SH stuff, but hadn't brought it up? I'd be glad to do that. Call it a powerful case of Midwest nice talking. :)

Your argument about the true open source nature of SH does make sense; I hadn't thought of it quite that way. Especially the linkback factor and credit versus money. You're right, and you've given me quite a bit of food for thought. I'd still happily share donations with you, though, especially when orange!verse stories start bringing in the team.

Re: Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> You know, I'd actually thought of sharing potential donations made toward SH stuff, but hadn't brought it up? I'd be glad to do that. <<

Okay, great. This works for me.

>> Your argument about the true open source nature of SH does make sense; I hadn't thought of it quite that way. Especially the linkback factor and credit versus money. You're right, and you've given me quite a bit of food for thought. <<

I'm glad I could help!

>> I'd still happily share donations with you, though, especially when orange!verse stories start bringing in the team. <<

Sure. You could also scale the percentages based on how much of a given story is original vs. how much is based on things I drafted.

[wakeupnew]

I don't know what is/isn't considered normal, but for me -- and for a lot of people I know -- work does indeed pull all the energy/creativity out of life. In the last month or two, I've been making more of a concerted effort to do the fun stuff that I enjoy in my free time, no matter how tired I am. I make myself go out with friends and write on 750words.com every night. It's helping a bit, with feeling less like 'Christ, all I do is work and sleep.' But it still sucks, yeah.

[ceitfianna]

*hugs you* A lot of the mixed messages are because jobs can be so different. If a job is leaving you worn out and and drained then there's something that's not fitting for you. Its okay to admit that and start looking for other options that might fit you better. Or to look into ways to try and make it better but that's tough.

I spent most of this last year hiding in my writing because my job was either wonderful or soul crushing with little in between space and that's not healthy. I don't know if this is making any sense but I'm here and pingable if you want to talk.

[chanter1944]

It is most definitely making sense. *hugs you!* I've got some of that going on; there are highs and lows, but the highs aren't as enjoyable as you'd think they should be. Not sure that makes any sense at all. I may very well ping at you, or possibly tweet at you; twitter has better sound alerts than my current IM client.

[ceitfianna]

It does make complete sense. I've had jobs where I knew I was doing them to be in a certain place like my first year in New Zealand but those weren't long term. Its difficult to find the right balance but important. A job shouldn't be making you sick and depressed, if it is then something needs to change.