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chanter1944The majority of this entry is going to be cut to spare the disinterested, the confused, and those who don't want to know about the workings of an anxious, rather neurotic, often unintentionally or willfully oblivious Chanter. Work shtuff inside, and for those who read on, S is my immediate boss, D is the coworker I'm arguably closest to in a friend capacity, and Iowan K is the person I work most closely with. Bossman is rather self-explanatory.
Why is it that when I actually give a shit about them, social boundaries and norms seem impossibly difficult? Maybe I've just answered my own question. In most situations, I still don't hold much with certain conventions. This whole separation of employer from friend thing is just a pain in the ass and unnecessary if a person's not in trouble, in my off-kilter opinion. But has my inability to fully grasp the nuances of that particular convention just landed me in trouble of my own? I'm a talker, and I badly want to be liked and respected for what I do and useful, but wanting friends and wanting to be friendly is colliding with my not wanting to piss off or irritate my bosses. If Bossman's still calling me dear, we're good. I imagine I'd hear the F-word a few times if we weren't. But S... I'm still not able to read her emotions through her inflections. I still expect something I say to resurface a day later. Can anybody really be as straightforward, cut and dried as S puts forward that she is? I'd really like to call her a friend, but can I when she's still my superior? I can differentiate, but is she aware that I'm trying to make that distinction? I can separate boss from friend, but when I don't really interact with many of my coworkers outside work... I'm shooting myself in the foot there, aren't I?
And D. Jeez. How could I be the only one who talked to her? That just baffles me. She's such an engaging person; a little much once in a while, but who isn't? She's a lot like me in that way, and if that's what got her canned or made her so unhappy she'd leave--and by the perfectly normal weekend plans she mentioned, I frankly doubt she planned to leave today--then it leaves me questioning just where I stand as well. On the one hand, if everyone is so straightforward, I'll know something's going badly and how to fix it long before it gets to the point of my getting even close to being canned. But on the other hand... did she know? Did they tell her, and after whatever attempts to fix things were made, things just didn't work out? I know she wasn't happy. I know she wasn't always sure she wanted to stay. But if they canned her for being who she is, how close am I to the same? We're a lot alike, D and I. And I can't help wondering, are they going to blindside me too, or start me down that path? Is S going to call me into her office Monday and say okay, this isn't working, either fix it or this might not be the job for you, scare quotes included? Is who I am, and being who I am, going to cost me my job?
A job's important. I want to be a productive member of the community. I don't want to lose a perfectly enjoyable job after two months. And I can understand, and am fine with, toning certain aspects of myself down for work purposes. But half the time I don't realize what I'm doing, and if the first I hear about it is in the context of 'this is a warning'... that won't do anybody any good, other than to scare me into submission and make my anxiety even worse. If it gets to that point, I'll stay on but probably won't be able to like it, I'll be so scared of messing up. And I don't relish the thought of living like that, at all.
Is S too good to be true? And who the hell do I bounce social puzzles off if not Iowan K? I'm irritating her, or annoying her, or... something. I know she's worked in the disability community, so I thought she'd get it. But I could really use a few plain, logical explanations of just what the social rules are for a given interaction, or for interactions between certain people, and I'm not sure I can get that from her.
I sound like someone on the AS spectrum. I'm beginning to think I might need an explanation of a few social aspects from someone used to dealing with people who actually are on that spectrum.
Damn it, I'm going to miss D. I'll still keep in touch with her for sure; kitty shelter, and I should propose a canoe day trip, and we should really get that drink, she and her other half and I. No jasmine perfume in the mornings - Ralph Lauren must use jasmine in his fragrances, because I'm sure that's what it is - and no easy, candid chatter. She's twice my age, but I feel on more equal footing with her than I do almost anybody else there. And that leads me back around.
Will being who I am, toned down aspects or no, cost me a job I'm honestly happy with? Will my misunderstandings of social situations do it if my personality doesn't? Who the hell do I bounce these things off of anyway? T... maybe. Not family. Not A. M? An actual Aspie?
Shard it, I'm going to miss D.
Why is it that when I actually give a shit about them, social boundaries and norms seem impossibly difficult? Maybe I've just answered my own question. In most situations, I still don't hold much with certain conventions. This whole separation of employer from friend thing is just a pain in the ass and unnecessary if a person's not in trouble, in my off-kilter opinion. But has my inability to fully grasp the nuances of that particular convention just landed me in trouble of my own? I'm a talker, and I badly want to be liked and respected for what I do and useful, but wanting friends and wanting to be friendly is colliding with my not wanting to piss off or irritate my bosses. If Bossman's still calling me dear, we're good. I imagine I'd hear the F-word a few times if we weren't. But S... I'm still not able to read her emotions through her inflections. I still expect something I say to resurface a day later. Can anybody really be as straightforward, cut and dried as S puts forward that she is? I'd really like to call her a friend, but can I when she's still my superior? I can differentiate, but is she aware that I'm trying to make that distinction? I can separate boss from friend, but when I don't really interact with many of my coworkers outside work... I'm shooting myself in the foot there, aren't I?
And D. Jeez. How could I be the only one who talked to her? That just baffles me. She's such an engaging person; a little much once in a while, but who isn't? She's a lot like me in that way, and if that's what got her canned or made her so unhappy she'd leave--and by the perfectly normal weekend plans she mentioned, I frankly doubt she planned to leave today--then it leaves me questioning just where I stand as well. On the one hand, if everyone is so straightforward, I'll know something's going badly and how to fix it long before it gets to the point of my getting even close to being canned. But on the other hand... did she know? Did they tell her, and after whatever attempts to fix things were made, things just didn't work out? I know she wasn't happy. I know she wasn't always sure she wanted to stay. But if they canned her for being who she is, how close am I to the same? We're a lot alike, D and I. And I can't help wondering, are they going to blindside me too, or start me down that path? Is S going to call me into her office Monday and say okay, this isn't working, either fix it or this might not be the job for you, scare quotes included? Is who I am, and being who I am, going to cost me my job?
A job's important. I want to be a productive member of the community. I don't want to lose a perfectly enjoyable job after two months. And I can understand, and am fine with, toning certain aspects of myself down for work purposes. But half the time I don't realize what I'm doing, and if the first I hear about it is in the context of 'this is a warning'... that won't do anybody any good, other than to scare me into submission and make my anxiety even worse. If it gets to that point, I'll stay on but probably won't be able to like it, I'll be so scared of messing up. And I don't relish the thought of living like that, at all.
Is S too good to be true? And who the hell do I bounce social puzzles off if not Iowan K? I'm irritating her, or annoying her, or... something. I know she's worked in the disability community, so I thought she'd get it. But I could really use a few plain, logical explanations of just what the social rules are for a given interaction, or for interactions between certain people, and I'm not sure I can get that from her.
I sound like someone on the AS spectrum. I'm beginning to think I might need an explanation of a few social aspects from someone used to dealing with people who actually are on that spectrum.
Damn it, I'm going to miss D. I'll still keep in touch with her for sure; kitty shelter, and I should propose a canoe day trip, and we should really get that drink, she and her other half and I. No jasmine perfume in the mornings - Ralph Lauren must use jasmine in his fragrances, because I'm sure that's what it is - and no easy, candid chatter. She's twice my age, but I feel on more equal footing with her than I do almost anybody else there. And that leads me back around.
Will being who I am, toned down aspects or no, cost me a job I'm honestly happy with? Will my misunderstandings of social situations do it if my personality doesn't? Who the hell do I bounce these things off of anyway? T... maybe. Not family. Not A. M? An actual Aspie?
Shard it, I'm going to miss D.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-02 02:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-02 03:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-02 03:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-02 03:00 am (UTC)Cause I've gotten a bit in trouble for some work related behavior too, so I might be good for bouncing ideas off of, if that's what you'd like.
But dinner next week, I'm thinking, needs to happen, yes? We can totally order wine too. ^_^
*hugs*
Date: 2013-03-02 07:27 am (UTC)In my opinion, decent people should be able to behave in a friendly and professional manner with their coworkers. Most of the actual jobs I've had have been with people I considered friends. A majority of them later stabbed me in the back and are no longer friends. But that doesn't stop me from preferring to work with people I consider friends, because otherwise my toleration for bullshit is nearly zero instead of a little bit. (Running out of said tolerance has contributed to me not having those jobs anymore.)
So you're not the only person with a nonstandard preference. Some other folks also prefer bonds of friendship in the workplace. Unfortunately the majority prefers for the workplaces to be a hellhole of use and abuse.