braindump, i.e. where I've been lately
Apr. 7th, 2015 07:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chanter1944Needed to out with this. I really could use some practical advice here. Long story short, burnout's biting me in the ASCII, creativity's at low ebb, and brother does it suck.
What do you do when the problem you have can't be fixed with one or two vacation days?
What do you do when everything that makes you you is just... fading away?
What do you do when, if/when you have time off, you can't fully enjoy it because you're on a countdown in the back of your head? Only seven hours left until I get up and do it again.
What do you do when you don't have the energy to go out and be social, when even silly social media just takes too much mental energy, when you start to lose interest in things that would have captivated you months ago?
What do you do when crawling under the covers sounds like a marvelous idea at just about any hour of the day? Maybe it's not to sleep, but that's always an option. Maybe you cry a little, but that's usually a sign that you're going to conk out for a few hours eventually. Maybe you just... drift, for a while.
What do you do when you're no stranger to coming home and immediately falling asleep, then waking up hours later only to seek some low-volume diversion to keep you mildly entertained, or to just be background noise until your brain disengages? What do you do when sometimes you don't wake up in the middle of the night but just sleep straight through, 7 or 8 in the evening until 6 the next morning, and when you get up all you can think is 'I just did this. Here we go all over again.'
What do you do when you try to sit down and write because you know you should, you're a writer after all but it... feels like an obligation, a chore, something you're forcing yourself to do, and a minute or two of struggle leaves you staring off at nothing with zero ideas to speak of and just as many words occurring to you?
What do you do when you were a wellspring once, a ceaseless fountain of chaotic ideas, and now you're... flat dry, an ice field.
What do you do when you can't tell your family about your burnout because you know the response you'll get? Welcome to the working world, how many times have I/we/we all felt like that, get used to it, get over it?
What do you do when 'write early in the morning' meets no muse to write with?
What do you do when all you really want to do is stare into space, or sleep, or stop time for a while, hide in an eggshell or a corner or... something for days and days until your creativity grows back? What do you do when sometimes you daydream about being the soldier crumpling at the dragon's feet, walled up in a pseudo-eggshell for hours and hours, days, years with time stopped on the outside, until the part of you that's been ground down has time to regrow itself?
What do you do when keeping a roof over your head meets keeping yourself intact mentally as a creative person, as who you are?
I know this sounds like depression meds either not working or not being up to the task they're given. Maybe that's part of it. A lot of it's mixed burnout and fiercely missing my creativity. I've heard it said that a nine to five job is the worst thing you can do to a creative person. It's true. But what else is there as an option for feeding yourself if you don't have boatloads of drive and ambition on top of your writerly self?
I really need practical advice here, if anyone has some.
What do you do when the problem you have can't be fixed with one or two vacation days?
What do you do when everything that makes you you is just... fading away?
What do you do when, if/when you have time off, you can't fully enjoy it because you're on a countdown in the back of your head? Only seven hours left until I get up and do it again.
What do you do when you don't have the energy to go out and be social, when even silly social media just takes too much mental energy, when you start to lose interest in things that would have captivated you months ago?
What do you do when crawling under the covers sounds like a marvelous idea at just about any hour of the day? Maybe it's not to sleep, but that's always an option. Maybe you cry a little, but that's usually a sign that you're going to conk out for a few hours eventually. Maybe you just... drift, for a while.
What do you do when you're no stranger to coming home and immediately falling asleep, then waking up hours later only to seek some low-volume diversion to keep you mildly entertained, or to just be background noise until your brain disengages? What do you do when sometimes you don't wake up in the middle of the night but just sleep straight through, 7 or 8 in the evening until 6 the next morning, and when you get up all you can think is 'I just did this. Here we go all over again.'
What do you do when you try to sit down and write because you know you should, you're a writer after all but it... feels like an obligation, a chore, something you're forcing yourself to do, and a minute or two of struggle leaves you staring off at nothing with zero ideas to speak of and just as many words occurring to you?
What do you do when you were a wellspring once, a ceaseless fountain of chaotic ideas, and now you're... flat dry, an ice field.
What do you do when you can't tell your family about your burnout because you know the response you'll get? Welcome to the working world, how many times have I/we/we all felt like that, get used to it, get over it?
What do you do when 'write early in the morning' meets no muse to write with?
What do you do when all you really want to do is stare into space, or sleep, or stop time for a while, hide in an eggshell or a corner or... something for days and days until your creativity grows back? What do you do when sometimes you daydream about being the soldier crumpling at the dragon's feet, walled up in a pseudo-eggshell for hours and hours, days, years with time stopped on the outside, until the part of you that's been ground down has time to regrow itself?
What do you do when keeping a roof over your head meets keeping yourself intact mentally as a creative person, as who you are?
I know this sounds like depression meds either not working or not being up to the task they're given. Maybe that's part of it. A lot of it's mixed burnout and fiercely missing my creativity. I've heard it said that a nine to five job is the worst thing you can do to a creative person. It's true. But what else is there as an option for feeding yourself if you don't have boatloads of drive and ambition on top of your writerly self?
I really need practical advice here, if anyone has some.
no subject
Date: 2015-04-08 04:24 am (UTC)I'm glad you're talking about this. Too many people don't, and don't make it. The stigma against it is stupid and needs ignoring.
Confucius say, longest journey start with single step. You have taken that step, my friend. May you find the journey rewarding.
no subject
Date: 2015-04-08 04:44 am (UTC)I'm sorry. I've been there and its not a good place but its one you can get out of.
no subject
Date: 2015-04-08 05:00 am (UTC)Talking about it is a great first step: here, with your therapist, with friends... Maybe even with your cat, if any. Definitely with your blog, and maybe a private journal. (If you can't write anything creative, you can at least rant about it.)
Everything I've read says that exercise is good for relieving depression and stress. Doesn't mean that I take that advice. :P
Somewhat longer term, it does sound like a new job would be good for you. Not all jobs are soul-sucking, and there are some that involve writing.
no subject
Date: 2015-04-08 01:34 pm (UTC)Thing three might indeed be looking for a different job, if possible. If there's something about this one in particular that's contributing to the general malaise, another option may well improve things. But I'd do the other things first, because those are applicable to all situations.
Much love to you.
no subject
Date: 2015-04-12 04:02 pm (UTC)